The number of men living with severe stress has remained at epidemic proportions despite advances in self care. It’s estimated that 43% of all adults are suffering the adverse health effects of stress including increased risk of high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, and asthma.
While men are exercising more and watching their diet, many find they’re still navigating their days on a low simmer of frustration. This frustration tends to boil over when they are confronted with obstacles like disrespect, loss of control, or dwindling life choices. Though fewer men are reaching for the bottle—as in their father’s generation—other strategies like manning up and keeping it in have limited effectiveness in managing feelings related to stress. In fact, those types of strategies often contribute to more outbursts of anger and greater emotional isolation from others. Career, marriages and other important relationships often suffer as a consequence.
Much of this stress is related to a growing awareness that as men we often feel like we are trying to please everyone, but end up fully pleasing no one—including ourselves. While admired and often rewarded for assertiveness in the workplace men are often at a loss for what role to play in their own lives.
Popular television dramas reflect men’s search for a more satisfying roles in life. Don Draper of television’s Mad Men embodies a traditional male caught in the cross currents of the emergence of feminism during the 1960s. Increasingly aware that his life is drifting out from under him, he discovers the limits of healing to be had from sex and alcohol. Tony Soprano and Walter White represent contemporary adaptations of males adrift—and gone very bad.. Walter seeks cash and control to quell his anxieties. Tony—perhaps the most infamous therapy patient of all time—does the same, but with an added emphasis on more traditional pleasures.
Clearly, using these anti-heroes as role models is not a viable option. Much of the content of these shows— though well crafted and compelling dramatized—functions as fantasy and wish-fulfillment. This leaves many men wondering just what it takes to manage their own feelings of stress-related identity confusion.
I’ve found that helping men ground themselves through mindfulness techniques helps to bring greater clarity to their values. Such clarity leads to a more acute awareness that the noise of life can be turned down—bringing focus to aspects of our lives that are truly meaningful.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) provides strategies to cope with painful thoughts and feelings that lead to stress. Developed by Dr. Russ Harris, ACT breaks mindfulness skills into three categories:
1) Diffusion: Distancing from—and letting go of—unhelpful thoughts, beliefs and memories.
2) Acceptance: Making room for painful feelings, urges and sensations—allowing them to come and go without a struggle.
3) Contact with the Present Moment: Engaging fully with the here-and-now with an attitude of openness and curiosity.
Going it alone has never been a viable option and many men today are paying the price with high levels of stress, anger, and emotional detachment. These interventions—along with peer support—decrease isolation, and improve relationships while adding a greater sense of richness to life that, for many, is lacking.