Many people struggle with setting healthy boundaries. Some sacrifice their own peace of mind to support a mentally unstable parent. Those with a grown child suffering with mental health or addiction issues can find setting limits even more confounding. Just how far should you go to support another person? How much is too much?
The Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer is a useful jumping off point for assessing the level of support to be granted to those who actively damage our lives: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Obsessing over matters over which you have little or no influence is a recipe for anxiety and heartache. But where, exactly, should you start if you are looking for the wisdom to know the difference between these two types of problems?
Coming to grips with the limits of your control over others is an important first step. Even in healthy relationships, we must do our best to accept the limits of our ability to change other people—no matter how close the relationship. Sometimes the impact of our actions are clear cut. Maybe you help get a loved one in a rehab program and they come back a changed person. But what should you consider when a person makes incremental progress, but then takes huge steps backwards again and again?
These gray areas make assessing your degree of control more difficult. It can feel like you’re getting tugged around or that your only role is an emotional punching bag. In these situations, it can help to list the factors involved in the individual’s successes and setbacks. Then, assess how instrumental you are to their achieving and maintaining these milestones. Relevant questions to ask yourself might include:
Are they responding to a physiologically based issue that impedes their ability to control their actions?
Do they seek and consistently follow through with treatments that are recognized to be effective in managing their symptoms?
Are they able to respond to constructive, non-judgmental feedback and apply these ideas?
After making a realistic assessment of your degree of control and ability to effect change in this relationship, the central question you must ask yourself is just how responsible you want to be for this individual. If the person in question demonstrates little regard for your welfare or appears to have limited awareness of the impact of their behavior, your choice may be made easier.
Sometimes it’s necessary to try to accept that no more can be done—by you at least— and the cost of continuing the relationship is much too high. But only you, not a therapist, priest, guru, spouse, or trusted friend, can decide if you should sever an important relationship. That’s because you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of this decision.
Finding the Silver Lining if You Decide to Stay
If you decide to keep the problematic person in your life, remember that you were an active, intentional participant in this decision. Don’t forget that this decision led you to a conscious choice that may regularly call for the sacrifice of your own well-being. You must be reasonably sure that you are not making this decision because you think you will change the other person. Otherwise, you will forever be reassessing your decision based on the actions of someone over which you have limited control. When things are going well, you’ll probably think you made the right decision. When things are going badly, you’ll likely resent the person, maybe even hate them—then blame yourself for keeping them in your life.
It will be worthwhile to regularly remind yourself that you made a conscious decision to remain connected knowing full well the hardship this relationship places on you. During hard times, this awareness can provide emotional comfort in the knowledge that you have prioritized the value of self-sacrifice, allowing you to find meaning and sense of purpose in your efforts. Similarly, you can take space or set necessary boundaries as needed to keep the relationship at the intensity and closeness that feels manageable to you. Without that step, caring for anyone, even under the best of circumstances, can become just another painful chore.
What to Expect if You End the Relationship
Ending an important relationship can be a merciful option. If you’ve reached the conclusion that the sacrifice of your own stability and peace of mind has little impact on creating positive change in the other person’s life or there’s little regard for your boundaries and needs, it could be time to end the relationship.
As difficult as it might seem, it’s crucial to be deliberate in your decision-making process. The most common mistake people make is to approach these situations in an ad hoc fashion, reacting to the latest crisis, hoping things will get better with time. Unfortunately, wishing things were different or trying to avoid the hard facts will only prolong the agony and make things worse.
If you have the strength, it is best to be direct with the other person about stepping away from the relationship. It’s possible the other person will refuse to accept the severing of the relationship. However, if you’ve reached the point of ending the relationship, there is nothing left to discuss. Keep it brief.
Many people find putting their thoughts and intentions into a letter or phone call more palatable—and safer—than a face-to-face meeting. If you have even the slightest concern about your physical safety do not meet in person.* If you feel that you must meet in person, it would be best to have one or more friends there to provide support. Meet at a public place. You must take care to be consistent in your follow-up. Mixed messages can confuse the situation and prolong a definitive resolution.
Although some might initially feel relief at the severing ties, it’s natural to suffer with feelings of guilt, sadness, and a sense of loss. It’s common to experience grief and mourn the loss of a person you’ve left behind. If you have been pushed to the point of severing a relationship, it is important to remember that you were well beyond the point where there were any options that would have left you feeling good about any decision left on the table. You will need to accept that you will continue to second guess your decision, possibly even feel guilt and shame for your choice —especially if the person continues to self-destruct or harms others. You might need to accept that sometimes you might regret your decision or unfairly hold yourself responsible if something goes terribly wrong.
It’s kind of like how flight attendants tell you that if the air pressure drops, you should put your mask on first before helping others. The same goes here—if you don’t have air, you can’t help others. What’s important is remembering your own boundaries, your own needs. Turning back to the Serenity Prayer, it’s important to remember you should always be able to control your boundaries, and the rest will fall into place.
*If you are in a violent relationship, I’m sorry to say that severing contact can sometimes put you in an even more dangerous position. For confidential help contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or online at https://www.thehotline.org/
This article for general information purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for specific medical or mental health advice. You should obtain relevant professional or specialist advice before taking any action based on the information in this article.