People often think of couples therapy as a last resort. While that’s sometimes the case, it can also be very helpful when things are going well. Though I no longer treat couples, I do have some thoughts to share:

In the first session one or both partners will ask some version of the question “Just how bad off are we?” It’s an all too human trait to compare ourselves with others. However, the pitfalls of comparisons are manifest—another couple is always going to appear happier, more down to earth, or more in love. None-the-less, our natural curiosity about others can be a highly adaptive trait. When channeled effectively, these comparisons allow us to experience not just superficial feelings of envy, but also provide an opportunity for us to envision and implement new strategies to manage marriages and partnerships.

Though some relationships may appear more harmonious than others, we all marry very human individuals with different sets of experiences, challenges, preferences, and family backgrounds. Meshing together two different cultures an imperfect business. Long the domain of “Dear Abby,” self-help books, and advice from friends and family, the ingredients to a successful marriage are also the focus of intensive research. Dr. John Gottma, a leading relationship researcher at the University of Washington, has been particularly effective at separating fact from fiction when it comes to what does—and doesn’t—work in marriages.

Gottman found that friendship is an undervalued a dimension of relationships. His research demonstrates that friendship lies at the foundation of what he calls a “sound marital house.” A sound marital house has many floors built upon a foundation of friendship. Friendship in turn supports the expression of positive feelings. Expressions of positive feelings support the next level—effective problem solving and a dialogue with perpetual problems. With these building blocks in place, a couple is better equipped to create a sense of shared meaning and pursue their dreams and aspirations.

Gottman found that couples who do not argue or disagree might appear contented, but may in reality be suffering from marital drift. This drift typically occurs after several years together, when partners come to believe they’ve learned everything there is to know about one another. Many have actually given up on asserting their needs—relegating themselves to living in parallel, emotionally disengaged lives. Given this disengagement, respectful disagreement can actually be viewed as an antidote for marital drift and an impetus for learning more about your partner’s beliefs and desires.

Gottman’s research also found that couples with a strong friendship component to their relationship are highly responsive to their partner’s bids for connection. For example, if their partner comments on the weather, a headline in the news, or their daughter’s ongoing job stress, does the other person respond with interest or brush off the comment?

This is not simply a strategy to improve communication by parroting back what your partner has just said. It involves actively tracking comments, facial expressions, and making eye contact. Sometimes a larger conversation develops, sometimes it doesn’t. While it’s impossible to be attentive to your partner 100% of the time, regularly demonstrating an active interest in their experience will convey an underlying emotional regard that enlivens your relationship.

When responses to conversational bids are effectively managed, couples can develop what Gottman calls an emotional bank account to draw upon when the going gets tough. These small—and sometimes seemingly unimportant—exchanges build up reserves of goodwill for one another. Building reserves of goodwill helps to facilitate flexibility and decreases the level of defensiveness when serious differences do occur. You may never reach agreement on some issues, but high reserves of goodwill place couples in a position to better manage high-stress conflicts or serious setbacks. Repeatedly turning away from conversational bids over time can have a corrosive affect that can to lead to loneliness and resentment.

Opportunities for conversational bids can be found anywhere. Think about how you handle your reunion at the end of the day—do you discuss what you did while you were away? Are you supportive and validating of your partner’s experiences? Do you ever use humor to lighten your conversations?

Primary partnerships can help us to realize our most cherished hopes and dreams—children, personal discovery, professional accomplishment, and romance. Couples therapy remains an important tool in keeping these relationships productive and harmonious.