Does it make you uncomfortable to say no? Do you avoid telling people how you feel—hoping the problem will just go away? Do you feel like you are constantly trying to please other people, but at the end of the day they still seem displeased with you? Maybe there is a boss or coworker who completely overwhelms your ability to act—leaving you feeling miserable and resentful long after the workday is over. Spending weeks—even years— in such a situation can take a serious toll on your physical and emotional well-being.

If you feel dominated by your boss or coworkers, then it may be time to think more about your own relationship with control and your unexamined operating principles when dealing with difficult work personalities.

In my last two posts, I discussed the concept of locus of control as it relates to coping with difficult personalities at work. Locus of control refers to our attributions of the source of control over events in our lives and is a central characteristic of self-identify.

Those with an internal locus believe everything is—or should be—under their control. They are plagued with the burden of feeling responsible for fixing nearly everything.

In contrast, those with an external locus believe they have little influence over outside events. Such thinking can be summed up as, “I have no control and there is nothing I can do about it.” Some people take this belief to an extreme, creating what I think of as an active external locus. Those with an active external locus tend to blame others for their problems.

An additional aspect of an external locus is an approach that I think of as a passive external locus of control. As discussed in my post “How to Manage Difficult Personalities at Work,” those with a passive external locus tend to be people pleasers and conflict avoiders.

Over time, this a tendency can leave you feeling resentful of others and hopeless about the possibility of change. The cumulative effect of yielding to everyone else’s needs and putting up with difficult personalities can also leave coworkers wondering just where you stand.

Even though you may constantly agree with others and bend over backwards to help them move their agendas forward, over time people recognize that you are not being honest about how you feel. You may also be missing out on positive feedback by avoiding conflict. Many people with a passive external locus are also vulnerable to lashing out in frustration at unexpected times due to the sheer frustration of holding everything inside all the time.

Why Most People Fail in Setting “Good Boundaries”

Most of the passive external locus people I work with have been told that they need to set better boundaries. While such statements may be on the right track, they can often fall short because you are being asked to do something that is already difficult to begin with.

When attempts at this vague strategy fail, those with a passive external locus can be left feeling even more ineffective and hopeless. That’s because the crucial issue is really about your ability to assert your own needs.

What are Good Ways to Begin Asserting your Needs?

Look within yourself:

·         Find a quiet place to at home to sit with your eyes closed.

·         Think about how you feel when avoiding conflict.

·         How do you feel about remaining silent or acquiescing to a problem coworker or manager?

Now, as best you can, set those feelings aside for a moment and do the following:

1) Formulate a Plan

Strong feelings aside, what job-related ideas have you had—big and small—that you would like to implement?

Write them down.

2) Start Small

Look for opportunities to assert your self in low risk situations at work. A low risk situation would be one in which you and another person have very little to lose. The more trivial the matter, the better.

When you notice one of the small, trivial issues coming up in an interaction, venture your opinion. It doesn’t matter at this point if the other person agrees or disagrees with your thought.

3) Build Momentum

Over time, slowly increase the rate and gravity of the feedback you are giving.

It will help if you have someone outside of work to share progress on the tensions and successes of this experiment. If you find yourself stuck, return to lower risk matters.

The process of increasing your degree of self-assertion with difficult personalities is not just about how you feel, but how others are receiving you. We all deserve to be respected and valued, however, the culture of many workplaces puts a low priority on these important needs.

Increasing your level of self-assertion may have little impact on winning a point. However, it can give you the experience of voicing your needs so you are not left feeling fearful of expressing yourself or angry at yourself or remaining silent.